Not sure what to feel

I have a half-brother; his name is Lane. He is roughly three years younger than me. I met Lane when I was twenty-one. I knew about him when I was about twelve or thirteen. When I was eight, I asked my Mom one day if I had any brothers and sisters I didn't know about. Yep, out of the blue. Her answer was, "you are my only child." It was true. Lane belongs to my Dad.

The last time I saw Lane, Jesse was one. We were walking into my parents house and he and my nephew, Tyler (three at the time), were walking out of my parents. We both said hi, then we both said bye. I guess it really was.

My reaction to most people is that it doesn't really matter because I grew up without a brother and he grew up with two other half-sisters. Our lives have not changed. The reality is I REALLY wanted a brother. My brother. It was the night before my brother's wedding that John proposed to me. It was hours before the wedding, when I shared the news with my parents. Who, though I was just divorced, were actually excited about it. There are many days that I wonder about my brother, his wife and their children, but for my sanity (because I did not choose this) I push it out of my mind.

Today, it was brought back to my mind. My mother called to inform me that Paula (Lane's wife) passed away last Friday. How? We do not know. But that leaves Lane as a single parent with two children. I imagine Paula's daughter from another relationship will go to her own father. Lane's life has changed. Mine has not. I lost a sister-in-law one week ago and I did not know. And what is sadder is she has not been a part of our life for, well, almost their entire marriage.

My life should be upside down. The girls upset for losing an aunt. The reality is they didn't know they had an Aunt Paula. They barely know they have an Uncle Lane. They know they have a cousin Tyler, but it is John's nephew they know and not mine. I guess I am grieving but I'm more grieving what should have been than the person that passed.