Homesick...

I'm going to start by telling, those who don't know, I have reoccurring dreams. Some dreams I have a couple of times a year, for years. Others three or four times a year. Sometimes, while I'm dreaming, I realize my dream has changed. Its a bit strange but then again so am I.

Last night I had one of these reoccurring dreams. Its one I hope in my heart never goes away. I was behind my Grandpa's house talking to my Grandma. I told her I was going to walk Maggie down the mailbox so she would know how far she go could. I've had this dream for many years, but it means more to me now that I no longer have my Grandpa, Grandma or Maggie.

I remember as a small child taking the long walk to the mailbox with my Grandma. We would walk by the apple orchard and talk about the apples, whether they were looking good that year or not. I don't remember what all we talked about, but that was my time with Grandma for the week I would spend there in the summer. I loved being on the farm, though by then the "farm" part was mostly lost; except of course for the apples.

My grandma, and my cousin Sandy will vouch for this, made the best apple pie in the world! She used her own apples from the orchard, she sliced them, dried them, froze them and waited for the time to make a pie (every Sunday if Sandy and I had our way). I don't know if it was the apples (you can't buy that kind of tree anymore I don't think), or the way she actually made the pie but they were special pies. And I don't think she ever had to throw any away because it wasn't eaten. Again, Sandy and I took care of that part.

I miss my grandparents dearly, and Maggie. But I have to be honest, even after over twenty-years I'm still heartbroken over losing the farm. It was sold when I was in high school. I still believe if it had been years later and I was working I would have tried to buy it. Even with the long commute; that farm was "home" for me in so many ways. I always felt free there. The breeze seemed lighter and the sun shone brighter. I still find drawings I made of it when I was eight years old. Even then it meant the world to me.

As much as I love the place, I can no longer drive by it. The family that bought the farm have given pieces of the land to their family and now there are quite a few homes in the "fields". The side porch my grandpa built was removed to reveal the original steps (we knew they were under the porch and as children thought it was cool!). The apple orchard is gone too. So many changes that my homesick heart can't take going past there any more. But I have my dream of my Grandma and I walking to the mailbox. I hope I can keep it...without changes.